This Christmas, give the gift of Freedom to a victim of domestic abuse

One dollar may save a woman’s life.

As many of you know, I have been an advocate for victims of domestic abuse and affiliated with Gateway Battered Women’s Services for years now.  Gateway is particularly special to me because it is the only women’s shelter in the country that allows its victims to bring their pets.  Pets are the unfortunate victims of domestic abuse because abusers use the threat of harm to pets to control their victims.  Many women are afraid to leave an abusive household if they can’t bring their pets, knowing the abuser will harm the pet if she doesn’t stay to protect it. 

Even if you can just give one dollar it will make a huge difference, because if many of you give just one dollar, we’ll raise quite a lot of dough to help these women out of the grips of their abusers.  This holiday season, Gateway needs King Soopers and Safeway gift certificates, RTD 10-Ride ticket books, and gift certificates to Target, Wal-Mart and Best Buy so that Gateway may purchase personalized items for the victims who would otherwise go without holiday gifts and necessities. 

I welcome you to donate the following ways:  Either mail me a check or money order to The Taibo Law Firm, LLC, 6860 S. Yosemite Court, Suite 2000, Centennial, Colorado 80112.  Or, click on this link and submit a payment via the GoFundMe account I set up.  Please make sure to give me your contact information so I can send you a “thank you for donating” letter, which you can use to write the donation off on your taxes for 2014.

Remember, there is strength in numbers.  These women need a little help to regain their independence, and the more of us who contribute even just a little, the better their chances of success and survival.

Thank you for your contribution! 

Alisha

Fighting Over the Face Wash

Going through a break up is like hanging from a cliff.  You start grabbing at anything to pull you back.  A flimsy branch; the flat ground; the old t-shirt you left at her house.  If you’re going through a divorce the goofy stuff you’re clinging to is just on a larger scale:  the dog paintings you bought at the flea market; the couch that no one sits on. 

Sometimes people fight over material things as a way of holding on to the relationship.  Subconsciously having that bad relationship of fighting is better than having no relationship.  By continuing to find something to fight over, the relationship still exists.  Once there is nothing to fight over, they’ve lost that hold on the other person.  

I used to keep face wash and moisturizer at my ex-boyfriend’s house.  And probably a tooth brush too.  But that’s it.  I didn’t have anything of value there.  I had the same face wash and moisturizer at my own house, and honestly if he’d lost it, I never would have cared.  But when he dumped me, I never wanted anything more in my life.  And to feed my obsession, instead of asking for it, I waited . . . and waited . . . and waited to see if he’d bring it to me, but he didn’t.  So I convinced myself he must be keeping it to make me ask him for it.  After a while I convinced myself he would refuse to ever give it back.  Anger began to build inside of me.  “How DARE that sonofabitch keep MY Aveda face wash?  He’s probably given it to some new girl to use!,” said the PG-13 version of my inner monologue.   I finally got so furious I sent him an angry email demanding he bring me my face wash.  

He did.  Immediately.  My balloon was popped.  It was over.  I felt like someone let the air out of my chest.  That was it.  There was nothing left connecting me to him.  There was no reason anymore to talk to him.  He could officially be done with my crazy ass.

They say the best way to take control back from someone trying to control you, is to let go of the thing they’re using to control you.  In my case, I was trying to keep a hold of that relationship by having face wash at his house.  Just by having it there.  Once he gave it back, he cut that tie.  I could have taken the control back of my own life by just letting him keep that stupid face wash and forgetting about it.  

Be willing to let go of the material things.  You may be thinking, “yeah but yours was just face wash.  Mine is valuable.  I need to fight for this.”  No you don’t.  You can’t take it with you when you die any more than I can take my face wash.  It’s all face wash.  Buy a new one.  Why do you want it anyway?  It’s got memories of the ex attached to it.  Be honest with yourself.  Why are you really fighting over that stuff?   Trust me when I say you’ll be much happier in the long run if you let it go.  (Elsa, amirite?)  You’ll feel empowered, and the ex will probably be hurt that you were able to let go so easily, so that’s at least one benefit, right?  

Alisha          

"Why does she stay?"

"He changed the day we got married," said Audrey,* a now-divorced mother of three when explaining to me when the abuse started.  They had dated just a short time, fell in love immediately and got married less than a year later.  While dating, Adam was the life of the party.  He was fun, romantic, kind, thoughtful and sexy.

The day of the wedding, driving away from the church was the first time he snapped, yelling at her over something trivial.  They waited three years before having their first child.  When asked why she didn't leave before they had kids, she told me she thought she could change him.  She thought if she tried harder, or did something different, she'd get that guy back that she married.  Then their son came and she knew she was stuck.  He told her if she ever left him, he would take the children out of the country and she would never see them again.  She knew he wasn't lying.  That day, crying on the bathroom floor, she told herself, "one day I'll leave.  I will stay for the kids, but one day, I'll be free."  That promise to herself gave her the strength to endure the next 25 years.

He never hit her, but the verbal and emotional abuse was worse.  She remembered thinking, "I wish he would hit me" so she would have concrete evidence of the monster he was so she could get custody of the kids.

Experts say that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.  Domestic abuse is about power and control.  The abuser's only goal is to control the victim, whether by breaking down her spirit, threatening to harm loved ones or pets, physical harm, financial harm, and isolation, to name a few.

Abuse also happens in cycles.  Abusers aren't abusive all the time.  They keep their victims around by throwing in what experts call the "honeymoon" phase.  The abuser entices the victim back by apologizing, crying, buying flowers, and winning back her affection.  They promise it will never happen again, and convince the victim to give them another chance.

The answer to the question, "why does she stay?" may have many answers, and often it is because she is afraid to leave.  The most dangerous time for a victim is when she attempts to leave her abuser.  And although I've referred to victims as female in this post, you should know that men can also be victims.  Domestic abuse does not discriminate. 

Organizations like Gateway Battered Women's Services offer confidentially located shelters and counseling along with other services for victims of domestic violence to help victims have the resources and strength to leave their abusers and regain independence.  Victims do not have to stay at the shelter to access the many other services Gateway offers.  And Gateway is one of the very few shelters in this country that allow victims to bring their pets!

On August 15, 2014 Gateway is hosting its 10th Annual Wine Tasting event in Denver, which includes dinner and a live auction.  Proceeds support Gateway's mission to help victims of domestic abuse.  Learn more about Gateway at their website www.gatewayshelter.org or purchase tickets at (303) 343-1856.

This will be my fourth year attending this event.  I promise you will have a fantastic time while supporting a worthwhile cause.

Alisha


*Names and identifying information have been changed for confidentiality