"Why does she stay?"

"He changed the day we got married," said Audrey,* a now-divorced mother of three when explaining to me when the abuse started.  They had dated just a short time, fell in love immediately and got married less than a year later.  While dating, Adam was the life of the party.  He was fun, romantic, kind, thoughtful and sexy.

The day of the wedding, driving away from the church was the first time he snapped, yelling at her over something trivial.  They waited three years before having their first child.  When asked why she didn't leave before they had kids, she told me she thought she could change him.  She thought if she tried harder, or did something different, she'd get that guy back that she married.  Then their son came and she knew she was stuck.  He told her if she ever left him, he would take the children out of the country and she would never see them again.  She knew he wasn't lying.  That day, crying on the bathroom floor, she told herself, "one day I'll leave.  I will stay for the kids, but one day, I'll be free."  That promise to herself gave her the strength to endure the next 25 years.

He never hit her, but the verbal and emotional abuse was worse.  She remembered thinking, "I wish he would hit me" so she would have concrete evidence of the monster he was so she could get custody of the kids.

Experts say that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.  Domestic abuse is about power and control.  The abuser's only goal is to control the victim, whether by breaking down her spirit, threatening to harm loved ones or pets, physical harm, financial harm, and isolation, to name a few.

Abuse also happens in cycles.  Abusers aren't abusive all the time.  They keep their victims around by throwing in what experts call the "honeymoon" phase.  The abuser entices the victim back by apologizing, crying, buying flowers, and winning back her affection.  They promise it will never happen again, and convince the victim to give them another chance.

The answer to the question, "why does she stay?" may have many answers, and often it is because she is afraid to leave.  The most dangerous time for a victim is when she attempts to leave her abuser.  And although I've referred to victims as female in this post, you should know that men can also be victims.  Domestic abuse does not discriminate. 

Organizations like Gateway Battered Women's Services offer confidentially located shelters and counseling along with other services for victims of domestic violence to help victims have the resources and strength to leave their abusers and regain independence.  Victims do not have to stay at the shelter to access the many other services Gateway offers.  And Gateway is one of the very few shelters in this country that allow victims to bring their pets!

On August 15, 2014 Gateway is hosting its 10th Annual Wine Tasting event in Denver, which includes dinner and a live auction.  Proceeds support Gateway's mission to help victims of domestic abuse.  Learn more about Gateway at their website www.gatewayshelter.org or purchase tickets at (303) 343-1856.

This will be my fourth year attending this event.  I promise you will have a fantastic time while supporting a worthwhile cause.

Alisha


*Names and identifying information have been changed for confidentiality