This Christmas, give the gift of Freedom to a victim of domestic abuse

One dollar may save a woman’s life.

As many of you know, I have been an advocate for victims of domestic abuse and affiliated with Gateway Battered Women’s Services for years now.  Gateway is particularly special to me because it is the only women’s shelter in the country that allows its victims to bring their pets.  Pets are the unfortunate victims of domestic abuse because abusers use the threat of harm to pets to control their victims.  Many women are afraid to leave an abusive household if they can’t bring their pets, knowing the abuser will harm the pet if she doesn’t stay to protect it. 

Even if you can just give one dollar it will make a huge difference, because if many of you give just one dollar, we’ll raise quite a lot of dough to help these women out of the grips of their abusers.  This holiday season, Gateway needs King Soopers and Safeway gift certificates, RTD 10-Ride ticket books, and gift certificates to Target, Wal-Mart and Best Buy so that Gateway may purchase personalized items for the victims who would otherwise go without holiday gifts and necessities. 

I welcome you to donate the following ways:  Either mail me a check or money order to The Taibo Law Firm, LLC, 6860 S. Yosemite Court, Suite 2000, Centennial, Colorado 80112.  Or, click on this link and submit a payment via the GoFundMe account I set up.  Please make sure to give me your contact information so I can send you a “thank you for donating” letter, which you can use to write the donation off on your taxes for 2014.

Remember, there is strength in numbers.  These women need a little help to regain their independence, and the more of us who contribute even just a little, the better their chances of success and survival.

Thank you for your contribution! 

Alisha

Voting on Judges

In Colorado, state court judges are appointed by the governor, but the public decides in elections whether judges are to be retained.  When you see judges on your ballot, you’re not voting them in – you’re voting on whether they should keep their jobs.  Most people probably don’t have a clue who to vote for or against.  I have some friends who asked me if I knew anything about any of them, which I did, and was happy to share. 

Maybe I never noticed before this year, but this election season for the first time I noticed political signs placed on public lands that were anti- a particular judge.  I happen to know this judge and think she is one of the best judges we have in domestic court.  The signs read "vote no on Judge Amico. Anti family, anti father."

Whoever placed these signs is a disgruntled dad who lost a case. I know her as a judge quite well, having represented fathers before her, and I can tell you she is absolutely NOT anti-father or anti-anything.  She has a reputation as one of the best, most fair judges we've got.  She cares about kids, and all the people who appear before her.

It may be worth mentioning here that the courts look at a parent’s ability to put the kids’ needs ahead of their own.  That being said, I can see why this amoeba lost his kids.  I didn’t get my way, so I’m going to run a campaign against a fantastic public servant because she pissed me off. ME ME ME It’s all about ME.  This is not the type of rational decision making that gets you custody.

A judge's job is to decide what's fair based on the evidence presented, and that means some parties don’t get their way.  Please ask a lawyer friend for their opinion on the judge as a judicial officer, rather than basing your vote on someone's personal vendetta.  Don't be swayed by vindictive signs.  If anything, vote FOR her because of these signs.  She obviously made the right decision if she awarded custody of these children to the parent who DIDN’T choose to spend potential college funds on revenge.

How Do I Choose a Family Lawyer?

This question must be answered by first determining your goals for the case. 

If your goal is to fight your face off and money is no object, pick an expensive, litigious lawyer.  If your goal is to divide things pretty fairly and not spend a lot of money, find a lawyer who advertises being more client-centric, and is more settlement minded.  If your goal is to fight your face off but you don’t want to pay lawyer a lot, start practicing witchcraft because that isn’t going to happen without a little black magic, a sacrificial goat, and the bottled tears of children.

That’s pretty much it.  The more litigious your case (meaning, the more you fight), the more expensive it will be.  Trial is expensive because it takes so much time to prepare for, plus you’re paying the lawyer for all that time out of the office.  In addition to trial, you may be paying the lawyer to conduct expensive discovery.  Lawyers make their money by billing you for their time working on your case.  So, the more time they work on your case, the more it will cost you.  And we work off retainers, which means you pay in advance, so there is typically no getting around paying the bill.

So, back to the original question:  How do I choose a family lawyer?  Quite simply, figure out what your goals are, meet with a few lawyers, and see how they respond to your stated goals.  In addition, make sure they promise the following:

• Good communication (you should know what is going on in your case at all times)
• Timely responses to emails and phone calls (this doesn’t mean same day, but two weeks is too long, and not at all is unacceptable) 
• Collaboration (it’s your case – you should be involved in the substantive decisions)
• Ethics.  I realize this defies ever lawyer joke.  And if you’re the client looking for a litigious lawyer, this defies logic.  But trust me on this one.  Unethical lawyers make bad case decisions, which will hurt you.  

If they don’t promise these things (and especially if they don’t follow through after you’ve hired them), find a new lawyer.

Lastly, like any relationship, chemistry is important.  Find a lawyer you like!  Not just one you can stand.

Alisha

Your divorce is a chance to reinvent yourself

If you’re going through a divorce, you may be wondering how you're going to support yourself financially after it’s over.  If you’re the lower income earner, or the stay-at-home parent, you’re wondering, “how much alimony can I get?  Will it cover all the bills?  How am I going to survive?  Is it possible I’m going to be homeless?”  

Consider making a complete change.  That's how I chose to become a lawyer.
  
I had been working at Janus for seven years, and going to school at night for my MBA.  A year into the program, I would have rather swallowed live bees than take one more finance class.  The subjects just did not excite me.  I was also unhappy in my job and starting to feel stuck.  That's when my mom proposed the idea of changing careers completely.  

At first the idea seemed preposterous.  I'd put so much time into this career already. But I grabbed the Sunday paper and began trolling the Classifieds for ideas, and that's when iI realized I could literally pick anything I wanted to do, and do it.   And that’s how I chose law school.  I contemplated other careers:  Physical Therapist, Pharmacist….  But in the end law school won because I knew I liked to do research, I liked reading about legal cases, and I was avoiding organic chemistry like Paula Patton avoids Robin Thicke.

Your fears of the financial future are justified, because you’re not necessarily entitled to financial support, and whether or not you get support depends on your unique case facts and who your judge is.  Some judges are generous with the support.  Others are cheapskates.   But the good news is, if you’ve been the lower income earner, and want to go to school to get a degree or learn a trade, you may be able to get support to help pay for it!   The courts tend to look at this decision as an investment:   It’s better for the State to order the ex to help you pay for school so you can become financially independent, than have you become a potential welfare burden on the State. 

So ask yourself, “What am I going to do next?”  I went to law school with a woman in her 40s who had just gone through a divorce.  Her contentious divorce inspired her to want to become a family lawyer.  

What inspires you?  Or better yet, what makes you mad?  And is there something you can do in that field to help others?  

Your divorce is a chance to reinvent yourself.  You’ve probably told your kids, “you can do anything you want.”  Well, so can you!  So do what I did.  Explore all the possibilities, pick something that excites you, and do it. 

Fighting Over the Face Wash

Going through a break up is like hanging from a cliff.  You start grabbing at anything to pull you back.  A flimsy branch; the flat ground; the old t-shirt you left at her house.  If you’re going through a divorce the goofy stuff you’re clinging to is just on a larger scale:  the dog paintings you bought at the flea market; the couch that no one sits on. 

Sometimes people fight over material things as a way of holding on to the relationship.  Subconsciously having that bad relationship of fighting is better than having no relationship.  By continuing to find something to fight over, the relationship still exists.  Once there is nothing to fight over, they’ve lost that hold on the other person.  

I used to keep face wash and moisturizer at my ex-boyfriend’s house.  And probably a tooth brush too.  But that’s it.  I didn’t have anything of value there.  I had the same face wash and moisturizer at my own house, and honestly if he’d lost it, I never would have cared.  But when he dumped me, I never wanted anything more in my life.  And to feed my obsession, instead of asking for it, I waited . . . and waited . . . and waited to see if he’d bring it to me, but he didn’t.  So I convinced myself he must be keeping it to make me ask him for it.  After a while I convinced myself he would refuse to ever give it back.  Anger began to build inside of me.  “How DARE that sonofabitch keep MY Aveda face wash?  He’s probably given it to some new girl to use!,” said the PG-13 version of my inner monologue.   I finally got so furious I sent him an angry email demanding he bring me my face wash.  

He did.  Immediately.  My balloon was popped.  It was over.  I felt like someone let the air out of my chest.  That was it.  There was nothing left connecting me to him.  There was no reason anymore to talk to him.  He could officially be done with my crazy ass.

They say the best way to take control back from someone trying to control you, is to let go of the thing they’re using to control you.  In my case, I was trying to keep a hold of that relationship by having face wash at his house.  Just by having it there.  Once he gave it back, he cut that tie.  I could have taken the control back of my own life by just letting him keep that stupid face wash and forgetting about it.  

Be willing to let go of the material things.  You may be thinking, “yeah but yours was just face wash.  Mine is valuable.  I need to fight for this.”  No you don’t.  You can’t take it with you when you die any more than I can take my face wash.  It’s all face wash.  Buy a new one.  Why do you want it anyway?  It’s got memories of the ex attached to it.  Be honest with yourself.  Why are you really fighting over that stuff?   Trust me when I say you’ll be much happier in the long run if you let it go.  (Elsa, amirite?)  You’ll feel empowered, and the ex will probably be hurt that you were able to let go so easily, so that’s at least one benefit, right?  

Alisha          

Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

In criminal cases, a person is either found guilty or not guilty.  In a lawsuit, there is typically a winner and a loser.  In family law, oftentimes everyone loses. 

However, sometimes a family law case comes out much more favorably for one side than the other.  The Court orders one of the parents to have majority time instead of a 50/50 shared custody split; The Court orders a child to relocate to another state with the other parent; the Court orders you are only allowed supervised time with your children; the court gives all decision making authority to the other parent.  In these cases, one side may feel like the winner.  And that parent may even be tempted to gloat, smirk or abuse this newly perceived power.  They stop encouraging the kids to call the other parent; they stop communicating with the other parent about important decisions; they insult them and kick them while they’re down.

                     

I’m writing this post for the prevailing parent.  Please don’t do this. 

Have compassion for the other side.  No, seriously – hear me out.  When a party loses a family case, it’s devastating and life changing.  You, the winner, may feel you earned this outcome or the other side got what they deserved.  I’m asking you to take a different look. 

Look at your case through the eyes of the loser, and take a moment to feel what they are feeling.  Put aside your animosity.  Empathize with what they’re going through.  Use your imagination – pretend you are the other parent, and you don’t believe you deserve this outcome.  Feel the pain in your chest they are feeling.  Feel the lump in your throat and the pressure behind your eyes.  And the hopelessness.  You’re crushed and broken and completely vulnerable.  You feel like your life is over.  You don’t know how you’re going to pick up the pieces and go on. 

Really let that feeling marinade for a while.

Don’t you feel differently?  No?  Then consider this.  If you had had a different judge, you may have lost.  You probably don’t realize that you may have just won by the skin of your teeth.  You pretty much lucked out.  Trust me- I’ve won and lost cases that I would have staked my life on the opposite outcome.  When you put your fate in the hands of a third party, you can’t ever really know what will happen.

Remember that the other parent is someone you once really care about, A LOT, and wanted to protect.  You may not care for that parent now, but you should still respect that parent as a fellow human being. 

Why am I asking you to do this?  Simple.  It's for your kids.  You know how much your kids love the other parent.  Why would you want to hurt someone your kids love so much?  When there is animosity and tension between you and the other parent, your kids feel it.  You may think you’re hiding it well, but you aren’t and you cannot possibly ever hide it from them.  They hear it in your voice, they notice how little you and other parent talk, and the tone when you do talk.  They pay attention, and they don’t see things your way.  They see you being an asshole to the someone they love, and it’s going to hurt your relationship with them in the long run.  If you hate the other parent so much that you can’t even fake being nice, I strongly suggest you consider therapy to help you work through the grudge.  Do it for your kids.  

Bottom line:  Don’t kick the other parent while they’re down.  Take the high road by showing compassion.  And be a team for your kid.  Give the other parent extra time with the kids.  Be flexible in the parenting time schedule.  Encourage the kids to call every day.  Keep pictures of the parent out around your house - to the kids, you and the other parent are that kid's family.  Look at things through your kids' eyes and stop looking down on the other parent, and instead help them up.