Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

In criminal cases, a person is either found guilty or not guilty.  In a lawsuit, there is typically a winner and a loser.  In family law, oftentimes everyone loses. 

However, sometimes a family law case comes out much more favorably for one side than the other.  The Court orders one of the parents to have majority time instead of a 50/50 shared custody split; The Court orders a child to relocate to another state with the other parent; the Court orders you are only allowed supervised time with your children; the court gives all decision making authority to the other parent.  In these cases, one side may feel like the winner.  And that parent may even be tempted to gloat, smirk or abuse this newly perceived power.  They stop encouraging the kids to call the other parent; they stop communicating with the other parent about important decisions; they insult them and kick them while they’re down.

                     

I’m writing this post for the prevailing parent.  Please don’t do this. 

Have compassion for the other side.  No, seriously – hear me out.  When a party loses a family case, it’s devastating and life changing.  You, the winner, may feel you earned this outcome or the other side got what they deserved.  I’m asking you to take a different look. 

Look at your case through the eyes of the loser, and take a moment to feel what they are feeling.  Put aside your animosity.  Empathize with what they’re going through.  Use your imagination – pretend you are the other parent, and you don’t believe you deserve this outcome.  Feel the pain in your chest they are feeling.  Feel the lump in your throat and the pressure behind your eyes.  And the hopelessness.  You’re crushed and broken and completely vulnerable.  You feel like your life is over.  You don’t know how you’re going to pick up the pieces and go on. 

Really let that feeling marinade for a while.

Don’t you feel differently?  No?  Then consider this.  If you had had a different judge, you may have lost.  You probably don’t realize that you may have just won by the skin of your teeth.  You pretty much lucked out.  Trust me- I’ve won and lost cases that I would have staked my life on the opposite outcome.  When you put your fate in the hands of a third party, you can’t ever really know what will happen.

Remember that the other parent is someone you once really care about, A LOT, and wanted to protect.  You may not care for that parent now, but you should still respect that parent as a fellow human being. 

Why am I asking you to do this?  Simple.  It's for your kids.  You know how much your kids love the other parent.  Why would you want to hurt someone your kids love so much?  When there is animosity and tension between you and the other parent, your kids feel it.  You may think you’re hiding it well, but you aren’t and you cannot possibly ever hide it from them.  They hear it in your voice, they notice how little you and other parent talk, and the tone when you do talk.  They pay attention, and they don’t see things your way.  They see you being an asshole to the someone they love, and it’s going to hurt your relationship with them in the long run.  If you hate the other parent so much that you can’t even fake being nice, I strongly suggest you consider therapy to help you work through the grudge.  Do it for your kids.  

Bottom line:  Don’t kick the other parent while they’re down.  Take the high road by showing compassion.  And be a team for your kid.  Give the other parent extra time with the kids.  Be flexible in the parenting time schedule.  Encourage the kids to call every day.  Keep pictures of the parent out around your house - to the kids, you and the other parent are that kid's family.  Look at things through your kids' eyes and stop looking down on the other parent, and instead help them up.

"Why does she stay?"

"He changed the day we got married," said Audrey,* a now-divorced mother of three when explaining to me when the abuse started.  They had dated just a short time, fell in love immediately and got married less than a year later.  While dating, Adam was the life of the party.  He was fun, romantic, kind, thoughtful and sexy.

The day of the wedding, driving away from the church was the first time he snapped, yelling at her over something trivial.  They waited three years before having their first child.  When asked why she didn't leave before they had kids, she told me she thought she could change him.  She thought if she tried harder, or did something different, she'd get that guy back that she married.  Then their son came and she knew she was stuck.  He told her if she ever left him, he would take the children out of the country and she would never see them again.  She knew he wasn't lying.  That day, crying on the bathroom floor, she told herself, "one day I'll leave.  I will stay for the kids, but one day, I'll be free."  That promise to herself gave her the strength to endure the next 25 years.

He never hit her, but the verbal and emotional abuse was worse.  She remembered thinking, "I wish he would hit me" so she would have concrete evidence of the monster he was so she could get custody of the kids.

Experts say that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.  Domestic abuse is about power and control.  The abuser's only goal is to control the victim, whether by breaking down her spirit, threatening to harm loved ones or pets, physical harm, financial harm, and isolation, to name a few.

Abuse also happens in cycles.  Abusers aren't abusive all the time.  They keep their victims around by throwing in what experts call the "honeymoon" phase.  The abuser entices the victim back by apologizing, crying, buying flowers, and winning back her affection.  They promise it will never happen again, and convince the victim to give them another chance.

The answer to the question, "why does she stay?" may have many answers, and often it is because she is afraid to leave.  The most dangerous time for a victim is when she attempts to leave her abuser.  And although I've referred to victims as female in this post, you should know that men can also be victims.  Domestic abuse does not discriminate. 

Organizations like Gateway Battered Women's Services offer confidentially located shelters and counseling along with other services for victims of domestic violence to help victims have the resources and strength to leave their abusers and regain independence.  Victims do not have to stay at the shelter to access the many other services Gateway offers.  And Gateway is one of the very few shelters in this country that allow victims to bring their pets!

On August 15, 2014 Gateway is hosting its 10th Annual Wine Tasting event in Denver, which includes dinner and a live auction.  Proceeds support Gateway's mission to help victims of domestic abuse.  Learn more about Gateway at their website www.gatewayshelter.org or purchase tickets at (303) 343-1856.

This will be my fourth year attending this event.  I promise you will have a fantastic time while supporting a worthwhile cause.

Alisha


*Names and identifying information have been changed for confidentiality

There are no laws to regulate kindness.

I've been looking for a reason to quote Jon Foreman in a blog and today I came across this quote, which is my title.  "There are no laws to regulate kindness."  Compassion vs. Consumption.  I often tell my clients this, although a lot less eloquently with, "It's not illegal to be an asshole."  Same message.

Lawyers have a saying:  In criminal law, you represent the worst people at their best.  In family law, you represent the best people at their worst.

Going through a family law case may be the hardest thing you do your entire life.  You're emotional, scarred, and you've got a lot of resentment.  Whatever the ex's flaws, you know them well and you may be considering using them against the ex to get what you want - revenge.

That's right, that's what this case may be about for you - revenge.  Not what's best for the children.  I may not be an expert on relationships, but as a family lawyer, I am an expert on breakups.

I'm sure at this point in reading you're telling yourself, "It's not about revenge.  It's really just not good for my kid to be around someone who drinks every day."  Be honest with yourself.  Before going through the family law case, you were able to deal with whatever the ex's flaw is.  Sure, there are some shortcomings that are not good for the kids to be around:  a meth lab in the house, for example. But before you get into a tit for tat, finger-pointing money pit of a case, I strongly recommend evaluating whether it's worth the fight.  Because in my experience, the kids lose, and the lawyers are the only ones who win.  I'm not saying don't get divorced.  I'm saying, if you are going down that road, try doing it with kindness.

People are so ugly to each other in family cases, I sometimes lose my faith in humanity, which is why I am such a Jon Foreman and Switchfoot fan.  Their songs are about hope, and also provide comfort to me in times where I doubt my faith in humanity, God, our legal system . . . you name it.  I often look at the two people in this heated sparring match and think about them taking their wedding vows - how in love they once were and how much faith they had in one another to never hurt them.  I wonder how they can be so nasty to the person they once promised to love forever, through better and worse.  They both blame the other one for starting the fight as if that person declared war, and now they both believe they're just defending themselves.  They want to hold on to past wrongs that are years old as an excuse to take away their children - the worst thing a person can lose.

I write this to implore you to think twice before engaging in this fight or doing something nasty that you know will devastate the other parent (such as refusing to bring the kids to a scheduled visit).  Sit down over coffee together and talk about how you can resolve this dispute amicably.  And you may have to give in on some things to get other things you want.  You can't have it all.  Maybe you could schedule a weekly meeting with each other to discuss the kids.  Think about how your decision is affecting your kids.

Agree to put aside your differences in opinion and recognize that you two will never agree on every single way to parent the kids.  Trust me, your kids will turn out better if they are raised by parents who parent differently, who at least get along with each other.  From that, you will teach your children respect, teamwork, and the value of family. 

-Alisha

Learn from Monica Lewinsky's tale of woe - you may be being recorded

Can your Ex record a conversation with you, without telling you?

Short Answer:  Absolutely, as long as both parties to the conversation are in Colorado at the time of the recording, and the Ex is one of the parties to the conversation.

Explanation:  Colorado law allows you to record phone conversations you are a party to without the other party knowing.  Sec 18-9-303, C.R.S.  However, if that party is in another State, then that State's laws may apply as well.  So for example, if you are in Colorado and you record a conversation between yourself and a party in, say, Oregon, without that party knowing, you may be in violation of Oregon law. But if you're both in Colorado, knock yourself out.  And not just your ex can record you.  Anyone can, as long as that person is one of the parties to the conversation.

Monica Lewinsky recently told the National Geographic Channel, "I was a virgin to humiliation of that level until that day" the Start Report was released.  The Starr Report was the investigative report into the affair between then-President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, which Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr released containing findings based on Linda Tripp's secretly recorded telephone conversations between herself and Monica Lewinsky, wherein Ms. Lewinsky described the sordid details of her affair with the President.  Poor Ms. Lewinsky trusted Ms. Tripp with her secret only to be betrayed.   

So what can we learn from Ms. Lewinsky?  Probably a lot.  But one of those lessons is:  Be careful who you air your dirty laundry to!  And for the love of God, Allah, L-Ron or [Insert Name Here], be smart when you're talking to the Ex on the phone.  It WILL be used against you if it's recorded.  Count on it.  I cannot tell you what a gold mine a recorded conversation of a party is to the opposing side.  I tell my clients not to put anything in email they don't want the judge to see.  Likewise, be careful what you say and to whom you say it.  You never know if it will be used against you!