There are no laws to regulate kindness.

I've been looking for a reason to quote Jon Foreman in a blog and today I came across this quote, which is my title.  "There are no laws to regulate kindness."  Compassion vs. Consumption.  I often tell my clients this, although a lot less eloquently with, "It's not illegal to be an asshole."  Same message.

Lawyers have a saying:  In criminal law, you represent the worst people at their best.  In family law, you represent the best people at their worst.

Going through a family law case may be the hardest thing you do your entire life.  You're emotional, scarred, and you've got a lot of resentment.  Whatever the ex's flaws, you know them well and you may be considering using them against the ex to get what you want - revenge.

That's right, that's what this case may be about for you - revenge.  Not what's best for the children.  I may not be an expert on relationships, but as a family lawyer, I am an expert on breakups.

I'm sure at this point in reading you're telling yourself, "It's not about revenge.  It's really just not good for my kid to be around someone who drinks every day."  Be honest with yourself.  Before going through the family law case, you were able to deal with whatever the ex's flaw is.  Sure, there are some shortcomings that are not good for the kids to be around:  a meth lab in the house, for example. But before you get into a tit for tat, finger-pointing money pit of a case, I strongly recommend evaluating whether it's worth the fight.  Because in my experience, the kids lose, and the lawyers are the only ones who win.  I'm not saying don't get divorced.  I'm saying, if you are going down that road, try doing it with kindness.

People are so ugly to each other in family cases, I sometimes lose my faith in humanity, which is why I am such a Jon Foreman and Switchfoot fan.  Their songs are about hope, and also provide comfort to me in times where I doubt my faith in humanity, God, our legal system . . . you name it.  I often look at the two people in this heated sparring match and think about them taking their wedding vows - how in love they once were and how much faith they had in one another to never hurt them.  I wonder how they can be so nasty to the person they once promised to love forever, through better and worse.  They both blame the other one for starting the fight as if that person declared war, and now they both believe they're just defending themselves.  They want to hold on to past wrongs that are years old as an excuse to take away their children - the worst thing a person can lose.

I write this to implore you to think twice before engaging in this fight or doing something nasty that you know will devastate the other parent (such as refusing to bring the kids to a scheduled visit).  Sit down over coffee together and talk about how you can resolve this dispute amicably.  And you may have to give in on some things to get other things you want.  You can't have it all.  Maybe you could schedule a weekly meeting with each other to discuss the kids.  Think about how your decision is affecting your kids.

Agree to put aside your differences in opinion and recognize that you two will never agree on every single way to parent the kids.  Trust me, your kids will turn out better if they are raised by parents who parent differently, who at least get along with each other.  From that, you will teach your children respect, teamwork, and the value of family. 

-Alisha