Your divorce is a chance to reinvent yourself

If you’re going through a divorce, you may be wondering how you're going to support yourself financially after it’s over.  If you’re the lower income earner, or the stay-at-home parent, you’re wondering, “how much alimony can I get?  Will it cover all the bills?  How am I going to survive?  Is it possible I’m going to be homeless?”  

Consider making a complete change.  That's how I chose to become a lawyer.
  
I had been working at Janus for seven years, and going to school at night for my MBA.  A year into the program, I would have rather swallowed live bees than take one more finance class.  The subjects just did not excite me.  I was also unhappy in my job and starting to feel stuck.  That's when my mom proposed the idea of changing careers completely.  

At first the idea seemed preposterous.  I'd put so much time into this career already. But I grabbed the Sunday paper and began trolling the Classifieds for ideas, and that's when iI realized I could literally pick anything I wanted to do, and do it.   And that’s how I chose law school.  I contemplated other careers:  Physical Therapist, Pharmacist….  But in the end law school won because I knew I liked to do research, I liked reading about legal cases, and I was avoiding organic chemistry like Paula Patton avoids Robin Thicke.

Your fears of the financial future are justified, because you’re not necessarily entitled to financial support, and whether or not you get support depends on your unique case facts and who your judge is.  Some judges are generous with the support.  Others are cheapskates.   But the good news is, if you’ve been the lower income earner, and want to go to school to get a degree or learn a trade, you may be able to get support to help pay for it!   The courts tend to look at this decision as an investment:   It’s better for the State to order the ex to help you pay for school so you can become financially independent, than have you become a potential welfare burden on the State. 

So ask yourself, “What am I going to do next?”  I went to law school with a woman in her 40s who had just gone through a divorce.  Her contentious divorce inspired her to want to become a family lawyer.  

What inspires you?  Or better yet, what makes you mad?  And is there something you can do in that field to help others?  

Your divorce is a chance to reinvent yourself.  You’ve probably told your kids, “you can do anything you want.”  Well, so can you!  So do what I did.  Explore all the possibilities, pick something that excites you, and do it. 

Fighting Over the Face Wash

Going through a break up is like hanging from a cliff.  You start grabbing at anything to pull you back.  A flimsy branch; the flat ground; the old t-shirt you left at her house.  If you’re going through a divorce the goofy stuff you’re clinging to is just on a larger scale:  the dog paintings you bought at the flea market; the couch that no one sits on. 

Sometimes people fight over material things as a way of holding on to the relationship.  Subconsciously having that bad relationship of fighting is better than having no relationship.  By continuing to find something to fight over, the relationship still exists.  Once there is nothing to fight over, they’ve lost that hold on the other person.  

I used to keep face wash and moisturizer at my ex-boyfriend’s house.  And probably a tooth brush too.  But that’s it.  I didn’t have anything of value there.  I had the same face wash and moisturizer at my own house, and honestly if he’d lost it, I never would have cared.  But when he dumped me, I never wanted anything more in my life.  And to feed my obsession, instead of asking for it, I waited . . . and waited . . . and waited to see if he’d bring it to me, but he didn’t.  So I convinced myself he must be keeping it to make me ask him for it.  After a while I convinced myself he would refuse to ever give it back.  Anger began to build inside of me.  “How DARE that sonofabitch keep MY Aveda face wash?  He’s probably given it to some new girl to use!,” said the PG-13 version of my inner monologue.   I finally got so furious I sent him an angry email demanding he bring me my face wash.  

He did.  Immediately.  My balloon was popped.  It was over.  I felt like someone let the air out of my chest.  That was it.  There was nothing left connecting me to him.  There was no reason anymore to talk to him.  He could officially be done with my crazy ass.

They say the best way to take control back from someone trying to control you, is to let go of the thing they’re using to control you.  In my case, I was trying to keep a hold of that relationship by having face wash at his house.  Just by having it there.  Once he gave it back, he cut that tie.  I could have taken the control back of my own life by just letting him keep that stupid face wash and forgetting about it.  

Be willing to let go of the material things.  You may be thinking, “yeah but yours was just face wash.  Mine is valuable.  I need to fight for this.”  No you don’t.  You can’t take it with you when you die any more than I can take my face wash.  It’s all face wash.  Buy a new one.  Why do you want it anyway?  It’s got memories of the ex attached to it.  Be honest with yourself.  Why are you really fighting over that stuff?   Trust me when I say you’ll be much happier in the long run if you let it go.  (Elsa, amirite?)  You’ll feel empowered, and the ex will probably be hurt that you were able to let go so easily, so that’s at least one benefit, right?  

Alisha